World mental health day: my journey.

I will forever feel like my mental health journey will be discredited for two reasons: one because of the age in which it all stemmed from and two because I have never been diagnosed with my mental health issues. A small disclaimer though, that does not mean that I discredit anybody who has similar stories to me, I just feel like I’ve never been taken seriously because of it. Despite that feeling I am going to continue to tell you my story and share my journey because it is cathartic for me and also because it could help just one person.

*trigger warning, this post will contain mentions and insinuations of SH, multiple types of abuse and suicidal thoughts. If you feel like this may trigger you then please either read at your own discretion or not at all. Don’t feel like you have to. Take care of yourself first*

Let’s start at the very beginning (it’s a very good place to start..not now Julie Andrews please, you’re too upbeat for this post). Imagine this a 14 year old girl who meets a mysterious dark haired boy who played guitar and had all the girls hung on his every word, she didn’t know who he was but he seemed to know her. He showed an interest and she already had a low self esteem so she was flattered. He bought her flowers with his paper round money and only referred to her as beautiful. She fell hard for him and loved the way he made her feel free. Until he stole that freedom from her. Until he got angry with her and would scream in her face. Until he banned her from seeing her friends for a while and had complete control of her life. Until he put his foot through a door to try to hurt her in blind rage. Until his fist met her face during a small disagreement. Until he got her very drunk at a party and had sex with her whilst she was barely conscious and being sick. Until he cheated on her and started to release his grip on her. Slowly but not entirely, just enough for her to breathe but not enough for her to run away. Just enough that she still felt trapped when others thought she was free.

Yes I was 15 years old and just coming out of an abusive relationship and no it’s not any less valid than any other abuse. I was that girl who made everyone laugh, I was that girl who felt passion in everything she did, I was that girl who stood up for myself to anyone who stood in my way and I was that girl who was bright and bubbly. Yet I was still the girl who felt tortured by the love she felt for this boy. This misunderstood boy. This angry, scared boy. This boy who couldn’t control his temper and was just like his dad, that viscous cycle deeply imbedded in him. I cannot sit here today and tell you I hate him because at the end of the day I loved him and felt like I could save him, but god do I hate what he did to me. I hate that he made me lose myself for a few years and I hate that I let him in so deep.

For a good year or two after he still had some sort of hold over me, he would still ring me crying in the middle of the night and would intentionally bump into me at school or in my everyday life just so I knew he was there. He would come to my work every week with a new girl, he would get inside my head and try to plant poison. For them few years I felt such anger towards him, I couldn’t believe that he would treat me like that and then be disloyal to me. To me, the girl who stuck by him no matter what. I felt such strong jealousy and distrust that the first few months of my new relationship was a bit rocky. I felt like I was in limbo, waiting to be released from him and accepted by this new boy. During that time I had such low days and I began to take it out on myself, just like he had. But this new boy, now my beloved Jack, helped me beyond that. He showed me over the period of three and a half years that I didn’t deserve what he did to me and it wasn’t my fault. He helped me over come my jealousy and my distrust in him. He helped me be free again.

Don’t be fooled though, it didn’t solve everything. My knight in shiny armour didn’t save me and ride off in the sunset living happily ever after. I had to deal with the fallout and the aftermath, I had to deal with the trauma and the bought of depression like symptoms that came with that. During that time I had just finished my GCSE’s and was starting my A Levels, it was such a hard transition especially since my dad had fallen ill once again with a serious heart condition. I struggled deeply, I hated school and I struggled with my A Levels compared to how I did with GCSE’s. However I had Jack and I had my amazing friends to help me, god it was a struggle to change my habits and to let myself recover from it all.

Fast forward to the end of 2017, all of my friends were leaving for university and I suddenly felt all alone. I started at college which took a lot for me to adjust to, I started to develop more and more anxiety. I was anxious about going to college to the point where I would break down, cry and be sick. I was so anxious at my work placement that I would be shaking all day. I hated how I felt and yet I couldn’t do anything about it. After a few months I reached out to a very close friend of mine (I know she will be reading this and knows who she is) and she made me feel like I wasn’t alone. She gave the strength to talk to my college tutor and get a couple of counselling sessions. She managed to pull me out of myself and kept making sure I was okay. She helped make the start of 2018 much better and easier to handle.

Come April 2018, and my Nan passed away, this broke my heart and brought me back down to my lowest point. She was the person on this planet who I was the closest too, she replace the motherly relationship I never really had and became my guardian angel. The difference, however, between 2015 me and 2018 me was that now I had the tools to help me deal with the grief and the onslaught of low days and the right people around me to support me. I was able to not fall back into who I had become and helped myself grow into who I wanted to become.

So now you’re all caught up and we’re here in October 2018, I will give you a little report on how I’m doing on my mental health journey. Firstly, I’m having less of them low days however when I do have them they seem to be worse than before. Secondly my situation has changed, my dad is now in search of a new heart and is still seriously ill, but now instead of being scared and burying my head in the sand I am trying to talk to people and to make the most of what I’ve got.

At first when I was writing this I couldn’t think about what my point was going to be, I mean all I’ve done is tell my story right? Well I thought about it and realised that was the point. I told my story. I have told people on the internet what happened to me and how I’ve been dealing with it all. My point is that it’s okay to talk about your experiences, to let people know they’re not alone and to share your advice. Your mental health journey is yours and you can do with it what you please. I’ve decided I want to try to help people and to show people that you can come out the other side and start to get better. Jack and I were talking the other day about the way I used to be and the way I used to feel and how different that all is now, it shows that slowly but surely you will come back and be free once again.

Today is World Mental Health Day, celebrate your wins, and remember that it’s worth the fight.

NHS page with different mental health helplines

26 Comments

  1. This was so incredibly personal and I am so happy that you have shared it with all of us. I am really sorry for that guy that took advanatge of your innocence, you are not alone in that, the world is full of evilness and I hope that your story can mean that other in this position know that it’s not what they deserve. I’m so happy that you found someone that appreciates you so much and has helped you see your worth. You are worth so much. I can see it and I barely know you! I am sorry to hear about your dad and I hope that you can find him a new heart, I love the positivity that radiates from you despite all of these terrible things. Thank you so much for sharing your story, and it is so amazing to know that even in the low days, you have survived the worst, and now it’s all about learning how to cope with it and grow from it. You are a wonderful person. Lots of love, Lavrax
    lavraxlondon.com
    x

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much you complete sweetheart🧡 this wasn’t easy and it’s taken me years to decide to share but it was something I knew I needed to do. Your kind words and support means so much and I’m so glad you think this will help somebody. That’s all I want! You’re so sweet and your kind words mean the world. This sort of comment makes blogging so worth doing, thank you for being a friend. Sending all the love! Alex x

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Your so brave to write this, your stronger than you maybe give yourself credit for. Your words, emotions and honesty will help many and you should be proud of that. Your a strong girl well done to you ❤️

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much! These kind words mean the world to me. I felt so scared to post this but I’ve had nothing but positive feedback. It’s now time for me to heal and to move forward. Thank you for taking your time to read what I had to say, it means more than I can ever say. All I can say is thank you🧡

      Like

    1. Thank you so much for your comment. I’ve only just seen this now so I’m sorry it’s a later reply. It was hard but it was worth it by the response I got and the healing I’ve felt since it! Alex x

      Liked by 1 person

  3. I fucking love you and I’m so proud of everything that you’ve done in the last few years despite it all. I admire how you always come out of the end of it smiling, however long that happens to take. And of course, this is such an amazing post to have written. Keep being amazing xxxx

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so fucking much. You’re an absolute angel and I couldn’t function without you. I love you so so much xxxxx

      Like

  4. I can relate with this post on so many levels. Your words just went straight through my heart. Just like you my mental illness has never been diagnosed and it’s of less importance to people. I have had a hard time in my life. Life isn’t smooth and idk how will it be in the near future. Your post made my heart throb and I’m happy that you are trying to recover and you have the tools at least which you know would help you sort out the mess. Lots of support and love to you. And love you for sharing your story on the internet ♥️😘

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much for your kind words, the support means so much. It has been hard but it’s worth the healing process and the lessons I’ve learnt. I’m constantly growing and I’m proud of myself for it. I hope you find peace with your mental health and your journey is smoother in the future. Thank you so much for sharing your story with me too x
      Alex x

      Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much Anne for reading and for your kind words. This wasn’t an easy post to write but I felt like it was necessary, I hope to write more on mental health soon as it’s such an important topic! Me too lovely, my DM’s are always open to anybody struggling. Thank you for your kindness🧡

      Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s