Today I wanted to just talk to anybody who will listen. I need to get this off of my chest before I explode. I need to let it out before I hit rock bottom. I want to share my problems and shout them out into the void. I just need to do this.
I am in a strange place with my mental health. Half of me is so happy; I have an amazing job which I’m learning from everyday, I have amazing new friends which came from this job, I have a family of good people, I have strong work ethic, I have passions and goals to work towards, I am in good health and I have an amazing significant other who loves me and supports me. The other half of me is miserable: my hero is dying, I’m a horrible girlfriend, I struggle with imposter syndrome, I’m struggling with my beliefs, I am lonely, I am so sad and I am becoming a shitty person. I am having an internal conflict I cannot win. I cannot just be happy or just be sad. I have days of both. I have blends of both each second I am alive. It is exhausting and it is so so hard. I go from one moment wanting to change the world and the next wanting to cut ties with everything so I can’t fuck it up. It is such hard work that I can barely do everyday tasks. I am just so overwhelmed by emotions that I am being dragged down with a huge weight on me that I just can’t shake. I cannot just come to the surface. I bob up and down thrashing to breathe. That is what it feels like. The days that aren’t filled with work I just want to lay in bed and either cry or be unconscious for a few hours. I don’t want to die but sometimes I don’t want to exist. I am caught in the scary shadow of the two extremes. Life is fucking difficult right now and I cannot pull myself out of it. I cannot stop myself from snapping at people or being shit company. I cannot stop myself from flaking away from plans or being too needy. I cannot stop. The world will not stop for me. I feel like I’m stuck in the middle of a roundabout screaming and nobody hearing.
Now I’m not the worst off and I am aware but it is still difficult. I am able to go to work but I come home shattered and empty. I go and do things with the people I love but it’s always tainted with the thoughts of then being alone. I am perfectly capable of things but I just have no motivation to do them. I want to be in bed feeling sorry for myself but my life must move forward and continue. I cannot say these things out loud without causing concern but I cannot keep them inside or I will simply combust into nothingness. My anger will soon turn to emptiness and that’s when my soul turns to stone. That’s when the emotions have run their course and I am at the starting line empty. When all has abandoned ship and I am an empty vessel. I have decisions to be made and things to be said and done, and I want to do none of it. I want to be left alone by the demons catching up to me. I want to be free from all torment but I want to keep fighting. I am just stuck. It’s either a fork in the road or a knife in my back.
My heart is broken for so many things and my mind is mashed. My soul is wounded and my limbs are tired. My eyes are burning and my mouth is glued shut. I cannot be myself as I don’t feel myself but I can’t not be myself without blowing my cover. I think I need help and I have no idea where to start. I am scared. I’m scared of the inevitable and the unexpected. I’m scared of nobody taking me seriously and becoming ashamed of who I’ve become. I’m scared to be alone. I’m scared to let life run its course and being left behind.
I talked in my The light at the end of the tunnel post about the trivia’s of my life and needing a break and that was true. But now I need the opposite. I need projects and passion. I need to be motivated but I can’t help but crumble under my own pressure. In that post I set myself some goals and I’ve been trying so hard to be consistent with them and they’re so hard when I feel this low. It’s hard to be intentional or choose happiness over money when them feelings are far and few between. I just want to let people know they’re not alone with these feelings and that people do understand and care. Please don’t exclude yourself like I have done. Don’t think that people won’t want to help you because they do. I have had so many people reach out recently and I want to thank you all so much. I appreciate the support.
This is impromptu but it’s made me feel better. Thank you friends for being like a diary to me and giving me the space to vent my feelings.
Thank you so much for reading today and I hope to see you around these parts again soon🧡