What it’s like to accept the ugliness inside of you

This was a title I wrote out when I was in one of my lowest states of mind, it was when I couldn’t even see any good in myself and I just wanted to express my pain. However months later I have come back to this in a new mindset and instead of deleting this like I was never in that place I would like to write it. I would like to talk about how I was feeling and what has changed.

We are all humans and we do have ugliness inside of us. We have some bad intentions and selfish feelings. That is just the primitive way we were programmed. However that does not make us ugly or bad or selfish, it makes us human. When I wrote this blog title I was feeling so low and I was just highlighting my negative traits as who I am as a person. This is not true. I am not my negative traits. I’m also not my positive traits. I am an interconnected multi dimensional person who is all of the different parts that make me up. I am caring and loving, I am also strong minded and direct, I am also defensive and jealous and I am also irrational and angry. Some parts I am less of than others and that’s okay. I originally wanted this post to be about me slating myself and wanting to pull the wool off peoples eyes of ‘what I really am’ which is basically when I was experiencing my latest bought of Imposters Syndrome (if you want to read more about that here’s my post on it). I wanted people to know that I wasn’t this person I portrayed myself to be to you. Right now when I’m writing this that’s not what I’m wanting to say at all. I am wanting to say that it is okay to have ugliness inside of you and that it is a part of you. It’s okay that it is only a small portion of who I am and somedays it is all that I can feel or show. It is okay to make mistakes and let the wrong things rule you. It’s okay to feel defeated by this black hole that can be inside of you. It’s okay as long as you can accept that it is not all of who you are. It’s okay as long as you can see the beauty in you too. It’s okay as long as you know your worth.

Today I want to own my negative traits and my positive ones too, I want to own who I am and to show you that you can too.

My name is Alex, today I am feeling grateful for the opportunities that have arisen in the past few months which have allowed me to grow and experience life differently. However last month I felt jealous and angry at people who wouldn’t or couldn’t understand my feelings or my actions. I was selfish and wanted everything to go my way because my mental health was low. Last month I was unable to see other people’s side and I didn’t want to put their needs first. I felt broken and I expected others to fix me. That is okay. Because I have acknowledged them feelings and I am growing from them. Today I am trying to think of the consequences and realise that people are so so different to me. I am trying to rely less on others and be more grateful for their time and efforts. I want to be a good person but I have to experience the bad days too, this is a journey I’m willing to go on.

“I am an interconnected multi dimensional person who is all of the different parts that make me up”

I heard a quote that really spoke this message to me, it showed me that the power isn’t in being amazing all of the time it lays in the ability to pull yourself out of the depths of despair and building yourself back up again. You are going to be okay and so am I. We can do this and be beautiful and ugly together.

I want you to do me a favour and leave me a comment with one thing you want to work on as a person but also something you love about yourself. What is your most valuable asset?

For me I’m going to work on the way I let my emotions out on other people. I always seem to push my feelings into others and that is not fair. I love that I am passionate about things, my most valuable asset is passion. I am passionate about the people in my life, the causes I believe in and the job I do/plan to do. I am passionate and it drives me every single day.

This was another post on my feelings and I hope that it helps in some way. It has come straight from my heart and I hope it touches you in some way too. Please my friends reach out if you need to and never stop working on yourself and learning in life experiences.

Thank you so much for reading today and I hope to see you around these parts again soon. If you enjoyed this post then please like, comment and follow for more!

Alex xxxx

4 Comments

  1. Girl, you are always one of the most honest and open people and your honesty astounds me! I am so sorry that you had to experience such a low point and that imposter syndrome really got to you! But the strength that you show on a continual basis really is inspiring.

    I def need to work on my confidence. I feel “confident” at things I feel experienced in, but am so afraid to take risks. BUT the positive side of that is that I am very methodical and take a lot of effort to try to master a skill before I try something new.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much for the support L, I really appreciate it. I think sometimes it is helpful to share the low points too so that people know they’re not alone in things. Life can be a real rollercoaster and the low points are still part of our journey. Yeah that can be such a scary thing but its great that you can recognise the growth you want to take. It’s amazing you want to work on yourself too. You’ve got this!

      Liked by 1 person

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