Now this post isn’t going to a very jolly one or a particular coherent one, but to me it is important. I always wanted to share my journey of life on this site and this is one of the biggest journeys I’ve been on so I felt it would only be right to share it. So today’s post is going to be a much more colloquial, diary entry-esque post because this is something that needs to be emotive and not as factual as say my post on loneliness in young people.
If you are not aware I lost my Dad on the 2nd October 2019 after a long hard slog with his ill health. He passed in hospital when he was in desperate need of a heart transplant and essentially his heart just gave up on him. His body gave up on him. Now even though he was ill this was a shock to all; family, friends and even the hospital staff. This was single handedly the worst day of my life. I was at work when I got the phone call and we headed straight to the hospital. It was awful hearing about his last few moments and then also going to see him, saying goodbye was the hardest thing I’d ever had to do. In that moment I felt like my heart couldn’t break more, but girl I realised it well and truly could and it would. Now there is no good time for somebody to die, but right before the festive season isn’t the best; especially if you work at a holiday village running children’s sessions where you have to have Christmas spirit in mid November!! So this has been pretty rough. The idea of trying to be happy and celebrate what is meant to be the most wonderful time of the year was fucking difficult.
As a child of divorce I never really enjoyed Christmas, it was just filled with hassle, chaos and a whole lot of guilt. Who would you spend Christmas morning with? Who would you eat with? So Christmas has never really been a source of fun for me. Then I started going to my Nans for Christmas, she was my rock and one of my best friends, and I started to enjoy it. Then she passed and my grandad passed and it became a tainted time of year. Now that dad has passed too it’s even worse. I now don’t have to choose whose house to go because I have no other options now.
When I wrote out this title I really thought about what I wanted to say, and if I’m truly honest I don’t have a fucking clue. All I know is that this shit is hard and unavoidable. I don’t have any top tips for having your first Christmas after losing someone, I can’t tell you anything to make it easier if I’m really honest. But I do want you to know, you’re not alone and you can do this. Know that you have loved and even though you’ve lost, that love lives on in you. You carry that persons energy, passion and light into the next year.
What I want to tell you is that there is going to be tears. There is going to be anger. There is going to be change. There is going to be an empty space at the table or one too few presents under the tree. But you can get through this. You can do this because you have to. But don’t do things for the sake of others. Do things for you. Do whatever makes you happy and makes you comfortable. Do whatever you can to try to enjoy the day. And if that means lying in bed on your phone or watching Netflix most of the day then fucking do it. You do you boo!
This is going to be the worst Christmas of my life, but in twenty four hours it will be over and done with for another 365 days. Take it minute by minute if you have to.
If you are really struggling this holiday season then please reach out for help. There are local services in your area which you can find online or contact your local GP to see what’s available and how to access it. They are also charities like Mind and Samaritans who can help you too. Don’t be afraid to reach out for help and look after yourself.