Lockdown Diary Day 5: My Thoughts.

The date is Friday 27th March and the time is 11:31. I wanted needed to write something, I needed to write a virtual diary to help me deal with the mangle of thoughts on my brain.

Context: I am very aware that ALL social media content is based around the current events of the globe. The Corona Virus called Co-Vid19 is ripping through the human population and calling for pretty much every country to isolate, quarantine or lockdown. This is something which will go down in history forever. So if you are reading this in the future and are unsure what this is all referring to there’s your context.

I have finished my first four days of lockdown and reaching my first weekend of quarantine in my mums house. As somebody who is pretty independent like my dad and I like to dip in and out of my family life as I please, it’s fucking terrifying being here for 6 whole weeks. Oh yes six weeks that initially started as 3.5 weeks. The 6 weeks are just the start of it truly. Now want to know what’s really making me feel shit?? How guilty I am feeling about being not wanting to be here. I KNOW I am so lucky to have a parent who can house and feed me, I am lucky to have a house with enough space for four of us to live comfortably and also that I can live in a house with a garden during a lockdown. But deep down I know they’re just material things and my worries concern my mental health which can deteriorate pretty quickly.

SEE WHY MY BRAIN IS SPIRALLING?!

I am somebody who struggles with guilt, guilt resonates with me so deeply and strongly that it causes 90% of my mental health issues. So this will be something which always effects me the most, so when I start to feel negative my mind instantly turns to guilt. Which isn’t a great way to react to negative feelings. The state of emotional well-being I’m aiming for is to be able to feel negative, allow myself to feel it, take some time to look after myself and then be able to process the feelings to the point I can move on. But currently I’m feeling negative emotions and then immediately telling myself how stupid them feelings are and feeling guilty for them emotions.

My mind connects this house and especially my bedroom with the person I used to be. When I last properly lived here I was 16 years old and I had a boyfriend who was manipulative and abusive. I used to crave people’s attention and love for validation. I would really beat myself up if I failed in the slightest at anything. I felt like I had to be and do everything at once. I was a completely different person. So being back in the environment where that version of myself ‘thrived’ makes me feel like I’m taking a step back. I know I am no longer that person but sometimes this family and home pushes me back into old habits. It makes me become defensive and it makes me feel like I cannot speak without being shot down. It makes me feel like a child again. It makes me less of an independent person.

Regardless I am here now and I know that I couldn’t be stuck in that three roomed flat for 3-6 weeks so I chose this place.

I’m going to try to use this rise of emotions to actually process them, battle them and then pack them away again. This is going to be my opportunity to change that and to become stronger and more confident in the person I am now. I’m going to set myself goals on what I want to feel like when this lockdown ends rather than what I’ve done.

My resolve:

-I am going to start taking everything slow and use this opportunity of time I would never have had to myself to do things purely for myself and my mind.

-I am going to be more grateful for my body and mind, I’m going to be doing things which benefit it and use my body/brain to benefit myself.

-I am going to learn for the sake of learning and making for the sake of being able to make. I’m going to read for the sake of enjoying the book and I’m going to write for the sake of passion not gratification.

-I am going to work on a mindset where I can remove the need for numerical or evidential gratification. I want to things for the fun of it and not always have a goal to work towards so I don’t get disappointed.

-I am going to ALLOW myself to fail, to fall and to be slow. To not be 100% productive all the time.

I don’t know how to round this post off so I’m just gonna leave you a few words of encouragement. Remind yourself that you’re feelings are valid even if they’re not the biggest problems in the world. You don’t have to do or be anything in this scary chaotic time so don’t feel pressured to be this working from home goddess, you can just be you. Take this time to work on yourself from the inside out and allow yourself to be happy with who you are. I’m sending so much love to all of you, and if anybody does need a friend or a virtual hug then my Instagram and Twitter are linked down below so please come and give me a DM.

Thank you so much for all of your support angels and I pray that we all make it through this pandemic together. Have a great day and god bless💛

Alex xxx

1 Comment

  1. Thank you for putting yourself out there and being honest about your feelings. I spent all of last week wallowing in self-pity, with my children at home missing their school life and friends, and my husband carrying on as usual in his key worker role. I felt resentful because his life hasn’t changed and mine has been obliterated. Now I am slowly pulling myself back together, and we have lots of time to find a new way of life during quarantine. I hope you feel better soon 🙂

    https://spookymrsgreen.com/2020/03/30/we-survived-the-first-week-of-lockdown/

    Liked by 1 person

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